If you’ve ever smiled through tears while congratulating a friend on their pregnancy, this is for you. When you’re walking through infertility, loss, or IVF, hearing someone else’s happy news can stir up emotions you never expected. You’re thrilled for them, yet hurting inside. It’s confusing, painful, and so very human.

Let’s be completely honest - finding out a friend is pregnant when you're struggling with infertility, miscarriage, loss or IVF can feel like a massive kick in the gut when you're already down.

You're happy for them (of course you are), but their news is yet another painful reminder that it's still not your turn.

A moment I'll never forget....

Firstly, I should let you know that I did not handle the news well when my close friend told me she was pregnant. We'd met for lunch in a pub. She knew telling me would be difficult, so she announced it quickly and headed to the bar to order the food while I sat there looking like I'd just been robbed (in a way I guess I had been).

I wanted to run.

Lunch was a farce. I forced myself to swallow food I had no taste for, whilst I squashed down every emotion feeling like I was about to implode.

When it was finally over and she went back to work, my vain attempt at smiling crumbled and I tried to hold it together long enough to get back to privacy of my car.

But things went from bad to worse when I found I'd been given a parking ticket. I mean seriously? could lunch get any worse?! The ticket I'd bought, though valid, had fallen from the dashboard, face down onto the car seat, mocking me through the glass.

At this point I must have looked like a toddler having a tantrum. I was a mess.

It Hurts So Much

Pregnancy announcements stir up a storm of emotions:

• Grief for the dream that still hasn’t come true

• Guilt that you can’t just feel happy for them

• Betrayal that it’s still not your turn

• Anger at how unfair it all feels

• Shame for feeling any of it at all

It’s completely overwhelming. And it bloody hurts.

And if you've ever felt this way, let me reassure you....this does NOT mean you're a bad person or a bad friend. It means you're human. 

Holding Two Truths

No matter how normal these reactions are, navigating conversations with pregnant friends can feel like walking through a minefield.

You want to be supportive.
You want to celebrate and share their excitement.
But you also want to protect your already breaking heart.

So…how do you hold both - without losing yourself (or your best friend) in the process?

Finding that balance....between showing up for someone you love and caring for your own aching heart?...... isn’t easy.

Truthfully? There’s no perfect or pain-free solution.
But I can offer you a few gentle ways to approach these moments with less internal conflict, more gentleness, and more self-compassion.

But..... there are ways to honour both truths: theirs and yours.

And I want to offer you a few gentle ideas to help you do just that.

Gentle Ways to Navigate These Conversations

There’s no perfect script for moments like this. But here are a few loving ways you might approach them, depending on your relationship, your emotional state, and what feels right for you in the moment.

Be Honest, Gently

If you're close with this friend, honesty, wrapped in softness, can go a long way.

“I want you to know I’m happy for you… and also that this is really hard for me right now. I hope you can understand if I seem a little quiet or distant - it's not you. I’m just doing my best to manage some big feelings.”

Why this helps: It lets you be real without guilt-tripping them. And it gives you permission to take space without explanation every time.

Take Space if You Need It

It’s okay to step back for a little while. You’re not abandoning the friendship - you’re protecting your emotional bandwidth.

You don’t need to make a dramatic announcement. A simple message might be enough:

“Hey, I’m navigating a lot emotionally right now. I’m not sure I can be fully present in this season, but I care about you and I’ll be back when I can.”

Your true friends will understand. If they don’t; that says more about them than you.

Have a Go-To Grounding Ritual Before, After Seeing Them (or Both)

If you do attend baby showers, catch-ups, or pregnancy updates; prep your nervous system first. Think of it as putting on emotional armour made of strategy and self care.

Try this:

• 5 deep breaths with your hand on your heart and lower tummy.

• Whisper:“I am safe. I am enough. I am allowed to feel what I am feeling.”

• Set a time boundary if needed (“I'll stay for one hour, then leave kindly”)

And when you leave.....release your feelings. Cry. Walk. Breathe. Don’t bottle it up. Let everything go.

Journal What You Wish You Could Say

If you feel like exploding but want to preserve the friendship, write it all out in a journal or voice memo first.

“Why is it always everyone else?”
“Why does no one ask how I’m doing?”
“I feel like I’m fading from my own life.”

Let it out somewhere safe.

You don’t have to hold back in private.

Bless Them And Bless Yourself

If you're into spiritual or energy practices, this one can be healing:

Visualise your friend glowing with her news. Send her your blessing and love.
Then, visualise yourself glowing with love and future possibility. Send love and blessings to yourself.

You can hold both.
It doesn't mean you're okay.
It means you're honouring both journeys; even if yours is still unfolding.

And If You Say Nothing at All…

That’s okay too.

Sometimes, silence is survival.
And you’re allowed to put yourself first.

Final Words of Love

These situations are complicated and painful. There’s no right way to handle them, only what’s right for you in the moment.

If no one has told you this yet today:

• You’re doing your best.

• You’re allowed to grieve while loving your friends.

• You’re not broken; you’re braver than you know.

If you’re walking through this season, please remember you’re not alone. It’s okay to take a step back when you need to, to protect your heart, and to move at your own pace. You can love your friends and still grieve for yourself. You can hold hope, even when it feels fragile.

Be kind to yourself, lovely. Healing isn’t a straight line, and you don’t have to have it all figured out. One day, one breath, one small act of self-compassion at a time is enough.

And if this spoke to you, I’d love to hear your story in the comments. Your words might be exactly what someone else needs to read today.

For more inspiration on how to support your heart during your fertility journey, I've created a heartfelt journey for you to follow called Finding Your Fertility Magic.

It contains some ideas that helped me during my own journey, and some ideas I wish I'd known about. It's yours to download for free here: https://thefertilitysanctuary.com/miracle-month . I hope it helps you too!

With Love

Sam xx